“Henry McLeary, Part VII, Act 1”

 

TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE             

I’m always too little, I’m always too late
I miss the boat – I don’t have enough weight …

I’ve always been late to the party
I’ve always been late to the show
I’m never around when the starting bell rings
I’m late, wherever I go

The party’s half over when I appear
The people are drunk, and there’s no more
My date’s run away with a punctual guy
And I’m all alone, but I never know why

Calendars, watches, alarm clocks –
Nothing gets me on the ball
Wherever I go, it’s the same old thing
I’m late, or I’m not there at all …

I’m the smallest guy at the party
They think I’m a kid at the show
I’ve been kicked around by a midget’s child
I’m too little, wherever I go

I’m too small for sports, and too small for war
When I’m in a tavern, I can’t reach the bar
I always look up – water’s always too deep
And I’m only equal, when I’m asleep

Transistors, microfilm, sports cars
They’re all too big, and I dread
Being where people can see me
‘Cause they always look over my head

They thought I was stillborn, but I was just sleeping
My mother was glad, but my father was weeping
He wanted a son who’d be great and so strong
But he got a runt who was twelve inches long

I knew I’d gone wrong from that very first date,
When somebody said I was born two months late

Too little, too late – too scrawny, too pale
A free laugh for everyone – I never fail
I know I’ve been late every day of my life
But I swore I wouldn’t be late for my wife …

McLEARY!              

I’ll show the world what it’s got to know
I’ll teach that girl what she’s got to learn
They can’t treat me like any so-and-so
I’ll keep them laughing – but I’ll have my turn

They’ll all have to deal with McLeary!
They’ll all have to bow down, and plead!
It may take a while, but I humbly predict –
They’ll all follow McLeary’s creed!

This rotten smell – mortality
Perfume of hell – won’t hinder me!

An ounce of ambition, a pound of skill
I’ll persuade who I can – who I can’t, I’ll kill!
Everyone’s guilty – they’ve all gone astray
They’ll regret having known me today!

Some men want money – some men want power –
Some men want pleasure – I want them all!
I might not look big – just a trifle too small,
But the smaller the package, the harder they fall!

THEY’LL ALL have to deal with McLeary!
The liars, and cheaters, and snakes!
NO ONE gets away from McLEARY!
AWAY with the SCOUNDRELS and FAKES!

The world’s got to answer McLeary!
Let ‘em beg – let ‘em cry – let ‘em scream!
They’ve done it to me – now they’re getting it back
They’re part of McLeary’s dream!

I might not look big – just a trifle too small,
But the smaller the package, the harder they fall!

Just wait ‘til they hear from McLEARY!
McLEARY says EVERYONE’S wrong!
I’ll make all the DEVILS so WEARY
‘Til HELL takes them where they belong!
‘TIL HELL TAKES THEM WHERE THEY BELONG!

Just wait ‘til they hear from McLeary!
McLeary is suddenly strong!
All the devils are gonna be weary –
‘cause McLeary can do no wrong!

All the devils are gonna be weary –
‘Til hell takes them where they belong!

THE WITCHES’ BREW                                             

W1:  If we’re gonna stay young, we’ll have to watch our diet
W2:  I’ll do the cooking, and I’ll let you try it!

W1:  We’re going to brew – a revolutionary stew
That will make us eternally young
W2:  We’ll use all expedients, with special ingredients
Our names will be on everybody’s tongue

And with our new medicine, long before Edison
We’ll lighten the lives of whom we live among
W1&2:  We’re going to brew – a revolutionary stew
That will make us eternally young

W1:  What did you bring from the East?
W2:  The spices and yeast
W2:  And drugs that make the population dull
A woman’s raw carbuncle – from working for her uncle
A population never on the lull
I brought some rice, and eftsoons –
I went and got some monsoons
And expectations of a miracle

Some Eastern oil – some Eastern toil – and simple tribal feuds
Religious wars – archaic tortures – eight beatitudes
Dictators greatly overpaid – a billion dollars foreign aid
And little people, helpless and afraid

A hundred million sovereign beasts, and men the very least
That’s what I brought from the East

What did you bring from the West?
W1:  Nothing second best!
W1:  But everything, the best that money buys
A tisket, and a tasket – a thousand-dollar casket
Too much of everything to exercise
Beer, whiskey, wine, and sherry – a friendly secretary
And Socialists, now trying to revise

An auto crash – and Western cash the unemployed command
Domestic strife – a seventh wife – the pill, and Disneyland
Morals for outmoded squares, and politics for millionaires
And little people, minding their affairs

Teenage gangsters in arrest – bodies healthy, souls distressed
That’s what I brought from the West!                                           

YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH MURDER IF YOU TRY

You can get away with murder if you try!
You can climb a few steps higher, making other fellows die!
There’s nothing quite absurder, than a bloody perfect murder!
You can get away with murder if you try!

You can get away with murder if you try!
You can twist your knife in deeper with a twinkle in your eye!
Have a party and some noise, and
You can do the rest with poison –
You can get away with murder if you try!

You can kill a million people at a throw
You can kill most anybody, almost anywhere you go
And with proper supervision, you can kill on television
You can multiply your killings, son – I know

You can make ten million dollars at the government’s expense
With your favorite outside interests,
And your Senate on the fence
Don’t take no righteous static – if the country’s democratic
You can buy the witnesses, and evidence

You can publish dirty pictures, and proclaim it greatest art
Hooking youngsters, lonesome husbands –
Giving actresses a start
There’s a lot of extra traffic, when your work is pornographic
And every court will say you’re being smart

You can double-time the Mrs. and you’ll never feel alone
You’ll have greater social status if your secrecy is known
There’s another matrimony for a guy with alimony
‘Cause marriage shouldn’t be a monotone

But! – You’re never good for nothing in the great society
You’re collecting welfare checks, and never feel anxiety
Don’t ever find a job!  You’re a rich and filthy slob
And we’re better off without variety

You can blackmail everybody, marching down the avenue
Carry signs, and walk in numbers, and it’s easier for you
It’s the other fellow’s fault – so you’ll never have to halt
Even if you make an enemy or two

You can get away with murder if you try!
You can climb a few steps higher, making other fellows die!
There’s nothing quite absurder, than a bloody perfect murder!
You can get away with murder if you try!

ALL I WANT IS LOVE              

M:  I’ll give you all the diamonds and the jewels in the world
I’ll give you all the sunshine in the sky
I’ll give you wealth and riches, and a simple fortune which is
All you’ll need until you die

I’ll give you all the treasures on the earth and up above
F:  But all I want – is love

All I want is love – all I want is love
No matter what the season, or the year
No matter where we are – without a moon or star
All I ever want – is love

M:  We’ll live in great white mansions, or in castles by the sea
We’ll live alone, or with a hundred more
We’ll live in precious splendor, and in luxury so tender –
Better than you’ve seen before

We’ll have the greatest comforts on the earth and up above
F:  But all I want – is love

All I want is love – all I want is love
A love that needs no other alibi
A love that when apart – sends secrets to my heart
All I ever want – is love

M:  I’ll hug and kiss you always, or whenever you are near
We’ll live in heaven in each other’s arms
We’ll live for just each other, when I take you from your        mother
And protect you from all harms

We’ll share the greatest pleasures in the earth and up above
F:  But all I want – is love

All I want is love – all I want is love
No matter if the skies are blue and clear
However young or old – whether warm or cold
All I ever want – is love

All I want is love – all I want is love
A love that needs no other alibi
A love that when apart – sends secrets to my heart
All I ever want – is love

MY THREE SONS              

My three sons were loyal sons
They loved their father dearly
Their father was a prince and king
He almost loved them – nearly

My three sons won’t leave me dead
They know that something’s rotten
My three sons will be heard from
Before their dad’s forgotten

Strike!  Sons!  Rise in anger!
Avenge your father’s name!
Kill!  Kill!  Spare no one!
Restore your father’s claim!

My three sons will straighten things
Set the world back upright
My three sons will rule the land
Before another fortnight!

Hear my soul!  Spare no one!
Kill all in your way!
My three sons will avenge me
And I’ll live on today!

WHERE’S THE MAN I MARRIED?              

When the man you married, gets carried away
What can you do?  What can you say?
You had your love in moments passed
You shouldn’t cry, today …

Where’s the man I married?
Where did he go?  Why did he change?
The man I knew so well so long
Is suddenly so strange

Where’s the love possessed me
A day ago?  Where did it fly?
The love I knew would last so long
How – how could it die?

There was time for courting, and time for loving
But no time – for just time
It seemed so safe to be in his arms
‘Til love – slipped past – its prime

Why is life the way it is –
A promise unfulfilled?
Hopes so high – they always die
With hopes you can’t rebuild

Why was human nature
Built with dreams so strong
When what was right a day ago
Tomorrow, may be wrong

Where’s the man I married?
Where did he go?  Why did he change?
The man I knew so well so long
Is suddenly so strange

Where’s the love possessed me
A day ago?  Where did it fly?
The love I knew would last so long
How – how could it die?
How – how could it die?

POP!  GOES THE NOBLE!              

I say something is rotten in Scotland
You can’t trust nobody, no more
So we’re looking for some strong noble man
To be king for a day – or two, three, or four!

1:  I’m the biggest, bravest, strongest knight
I have ever known
The evil that you seek to destroy
I could take with my virtue alone

2:  I’ve never been beat at the races and
When I catch up with your clown
I’ll treat him like any other bum
I’ll run the beggar down

3:  I play in a band with three other guys
I’ve made a billion with ‘em
We can take care of any foe
We’ll kill ‘em with our rhythm

4:  I was knighted just a week ago
And my whiskers aren’t too long
But like all other kids I know everything
And I can do no wrong

5:  I don’t give a damn what the country thinks
This country’s made of mud
And if I find its enemies
All you’ll see is their blood

6:  Advisors tell me our enemy
Is just a regular hood
I’ll shake his hand, and give him a job
And then he’ll be very good

A MAN HAS TO DO WHAT A MAN HAS TO DO

A man has to do, what a man has to do
Home or no home – wife or no wife
A man can’t expect to get anywhere
If he stays in his house all his life

But I’m so sentimenta
So soft – deep in my heart
I wouldn’t know how to tell her
Or even how to start

I’ve come up so far – just forty-two more
I can’t let her stop me now
The toughest decision I ever made –
To keep my wife, or my vow

She’ll mourn for a while – she’ll sorrow and sob
And she’ll die long before she’s gray
‘Cause being the perfect wife that she is
She wouldn’t want to be in my way

McLeary, my friend – this is the end
But don’t buckle up, and cry
You failed, but at least, you fought a good fight
And some men never try

BUD MILLER

Oh, Miller, my pal – you’re on the way up
No one can stop you now
‘Cause no one will know, a fat man like you
Could ever figure out how

But they haven’t defeated BUD MILLER!
Let ‘em laugh ‘til their larynx’s burst!
Let ‘em laugh ‘til they die – if they don’t …
Then Miller will get to’em first!

KING MILLER!  AH HA!  KING BUD!  WHAT A NAME!
And quite an improvement, I’d say
The world will be better when I’m on the throne
And I’ll have everything my own way!

The devils can snore – but I won’t sleep no more
‘Til KING MILLER’s wrote on my door!

Copyright 1965 George Comeaux

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